Sunday, August 7, 2011

Your eight steps guide to modern English



1.    Mah: At first, it sounds like the vehement bleating sound of a goat whose tail has just been plucked off. Then it reminds me of the hard and loud burp, fuelled by the large swig of soft drink, shooting out of stomach to blow all the smiles off our enemies’ faces. But on deeper introspection, it is an illegitimate and disfigured off spring of the traditional ‘My’ fathered by the SMS and messenger user generation to communicate with one another easily. However, the one thing that still baffles me is that despite being greater in word length, why is it preferred over its old fashioned mother?

2.    Kewl: The second one in the family and very innocently rhyming with mule. Gone are the days when on witnessing something really whacky, we used “How cool that is”. Instead things are now kewling off to something that is beyond my comprehension for it bears no resemblance whatsoever at all from its root word which might as well be thought to be included in the Latin lexicon for its increasing lack of usage in modern times. In fact they are as close to each other as Mike Tyson endorsing a fairness cream. Still, you must know it to be kewl.

3.    Cole: Ok, until recently, the only Cole I knew was Cheryl Cole for obvious reasons. I never had even an iota of inkling that due to her popularity amongst men, the parallel English societies were deciding to make her name immortal by very subtly replacing it for ‘Call’. I hope when they bring out the official Dictionary of their work, they have a bikini clad picture of Cheryl Cole alongside saying ‘Cole me’. If not anything, even the Chinese people will also buy it and make some unconscious contribution to the flagging economy.

4.    TQ: When I first came across this word, I was as surprised as any old user of English would be. It was like giving an IPhone to a person still spinning in the round dial of old age telephones. Still, when I recovered from the blow, I expected it to be somehow related to Intelligence Quotient (IQ). But it was not, at least not to that of mine. A very kind gentleman, getting a whiff of my predicament told me that it was being used for ‘Thank you’. So finally Shakespear could shove his brutal Thy, thine, thou and the many other words which make an embarrassing spitting sound whenever spoken up his nose. Touched by the gentleman’s warm gesture, I could not help but uttering, “TQ Sire”.

5.    Cum: Are you kidding me? Cum on to the next one.

6.    Congo: Imagine a man with his shirt on but nothing below the waist. I know the mere imagination sight is more than disgusting (Of course, had it been Jessica Alba we would have merrily wished this imagination to turn into reality). Same goes with this word. Often used for the expression of one’s good wishes on someone’s accomplishment, it is a semi naked version of ‘Congratulations’. I can’t help but draw an analogy between this poor word and Draupadi for both of them are the victims of being stripped of their clothing by the society for no apparent reason. Alas! There are no Krishnas in this age to savage it and moreover, the Sarees are so costly these days that even the Lord would have to lend money from China as it’s the only rich daddy left on Earth.    

7.    Ssup: It is a word thrown at the face of all those people who considered that making a sound while sipping your tea amounted to bad mannerism. According to my knowledge of this form, all the “Hey! How are you? How is it going?” have been compressed to the four letters abbreviation which looks no less than the name of some Government service examination. Now MTV tells me that it finds its utility more amongst the tilted cap wearing dudes with chains dangling all over from clothes twice or even thrice their actual size probably picked up in a jiffy from a store up on a clearance sale. Some desi grapevine doing the rounds in political circles is that it is a special code word that expands as ‘Sweet spirited Uttar Pradesh’ to be used as the party slogan of BSP in the upcoming state assembly elections. And all the people who publicize and popularize this word would be awarded with their larger than life statues in the middle of the road. Now which one of them is true, I have no idea.

8.    K: Such a sweet and simple word..and the most taken for granted as well. From the taunts of grumpy and sexually frustrated mother in laws to their daughter in laws (Kalmoohi, kulta etc) to the way of agreeing or saying ‘OK’. But this OK is a thing of past now. Its existence has been totally wiped out or better KO(Knocked out). Now there is either K or Okkkk. It’s rather funny that the latter version reminds me of the King of farts..err I mean hearts who redefined and revolutionized this word while saying(at last) “Kkkkkiran”. Anyway, I’m somewhat uncomfortable in using this form. Or in other words, I’m not K with it. So I’ll just stick to the basics. And yes, I do hope that all the SRK fans are okkkk with me for taking a harmless dig at him.



12 comments:

  1. very well written
    there are some more words to add
    - senti. for sentimental
    -der-
    English has just become so silly with these words playing in

    www.sulaimansait.blogspot.com/very well written
    there are some more words to add
    - senti. for sentimental
    -der- for the word there
    English has just become so silly with these words playing in

    www.sulaimansait.blogspot.com/





    very well written
    there are some more words to add
    - senti. for sentimental
    -der-
    English has just become so silly with these words playing in

    www.sulaimansait.blogspot.com/very well written
    there are some more words to add
    - senti. for sentimental
    -der- for the word there
    English has just become so silly with these words playing in

    www.sulaimansait.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha! Your modern English is popularly known as Orkutiyans Invaded English.

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  3. Ah, but there is no guide to it, that's the beauty of it. I can get away with 'kool' or 'cul' for your 'kewl'; 'ty' for your 'tq' or even 'cgtz' for your 'congo'!
    You should just be able to figure it out by context. Modern English isn't for people like us, people who abide by rules. You must think about every word to understand it - modern English requires you to be pretty smart!

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  4. I found this page on a website that coaches people for better english and math. And I must say, this is one of the most entertaining satire pieces I have read on a blog. Quite a grammar nazi myself, this article definitely strikes a chord!

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  5. Sulaiman Sait, the words enlisted here are just a few drops from an endless ocean. The atrocities on English are as varied as the scope of the language. And although what you've said is true, there is nothing much that we can do on our part than watching the carnage silently. I thank you for dropping by. Hope you like my other works as well.

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  6. Prateek, call it the language invented by people using orkut or Facebook or SMSes but in the allegations, the one and only sufferer is English. Thanks a ton for your read.

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  7. Priya, There are innumerable distortions and diversions to the traditional Lexicon, the point is which one we've been through. Whenever I see or read people resorting to such "Shorthand" versions, I can't help but wonder..did these folks always fail in their weekly tests in English? But the answer is no because had that been the case, they would have thought thrice before hammering such a poorly raped facade of words upon us. And if understanding them require to be smart, I'm better off being a fool.

    Thanks for your time and sharing your opinion with me.

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  8. Haha! I could not help but remember a movie scene from the movie "Phass gaye Obama" in which a character in the movie goes to learn English at some institute and the teacher himself is so messed up with his own concepts and knowledge that the entire situation plummets you into a fit of laughter. I loved the movie and loved the scene as well..depicts the condition of the language to near accuracy.

    Thanks a bunch for your appreciation. I hope I won't disappoint you in the future.

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  9. Wow, what I meant was supposed to be sarcastic. I thought I made that clear enough! Understanding those words does not require you to be smart. Innovative, maybe; but definitely not smart. I had a person tell me "hpy bdy" the other day; I would have had a hard time understanding her had I not known it was my birthday. I really liked your post!

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  10. Arre, I understood that! And I replied in the same tone. As far as wishing somebody birthday goes, trust me, I've been through worse. "HB" is they say now a days. And Happy New Year is "HNY", same to you is "S2U". God knows this is the apocalypse of traditional English. And the "Bastardized" version is on the verge of reaching its pinnacle. Sweet child of Mary save us!

    And thanks yet again for liking it.

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  11. How i absolutely hate it when people kill poor Mr. English. The regular usage of 'Gonna' , 'Ya/Yo' , 'Imma' just numbs my brain cells.

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  12. Red Handed, couldn't agree more with you but there is nothing we can do. Thanks for dropping by.

    ReplyDelete