A letter to God by the letter 'G'

Hello God. How are you? Hope this letter finds you in the best of spirits, wealth and health. And I also hope that you are having a good time sitting up on a pink smoky porch with your Lady and enjoying all the latest happenings on earth with a cup of coffee (Or may be beer, if your wife is cool with it) in your hand.

I’m bothering you with your proceedings because I’m caught up in the middle of a terrible situation out of which I can’t navigate my way. First of all, I must thank you for all the good things that you’ve bestowed upon me. The people of the Eastern hemisphere, especially India, were extra kind to me in extending their warm gesture and treating my existence with some dignity. I was suffixed after the name of every person who was called out with respect like Gupta G, Sharma G, Besharma G, Chadda G, Chaddi G so on and so forth. I was blessed to become the opening letter of the surname of one of the most influential figures of India born till date, Gandhi G. Although I and Miss. B have always been at loggerheads for Gandhi G was also known as ‘Baapu’, but still, I’m the one he was born with. I was as inseparable from him as his dhoti was. But still, B never leaves any chance to discredit me from his name. (B)itch. Anyway, I never knew that one day this man would be kissed by almost the entire population of India in the pages of currency notes for people here in India have a strange habit of kissing and licking their money secretly(especially the policemen and parliamentarians) as if they are trying to arouse it. So much so that the insatiable and neglected wives are now resorting to wearing Gandhi G’s mask so that their husbands take notice of them .Then came my biggest moment of pride. Parle group launched a brand of cheap but yummy biscuits under the name of Parle G to give a sigh of relief to sulking mothers who were facing a tough time in gulping a glass of milk down their kids’ throats and I shot to fame almost instantly and became a celebrity overnight, just like Rahul Mahajan. "G bole toh Genius". My popularity and reputation were reaching sky high and the rest of the alphabets were burning in the flames of jealousy. What losers!

But then, for some unexplained reasons, my career started heading towards a steep descent. First came the grading system in which ‘A’ stood for maximum number of marks and ‘F’ stood for fail. Despite my previous work experience, none of the schools accepted me and all the letters still make wild fun of me by saying “G for Get lost or Go home”. I couldn’t believe my luck. Even F who has a reputation of being the flag bearer of one of the most widely used cusses in the world, makes faces on seeing me. Is this really happening? Just when I thought that the worst was over for me, I was hit by another severe blow when the women’s innerwear makers brought out something called as ‘G string’. Are you kidding me? Don’t you know where you’re throwing me? I mean, I could accept being pushed out by the Schools out of their grading scheme but hanging onto someone’s inner pants is worse than being licked by men! I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t get out of house for two entire months. My neighbor F for being the Fool he is, thought that I had sailed off to some distant land and had even called up his close friends U, C and K to have a suspicious party at my house. When I went to the cops for filing an FIR, they told me that they couldn’t lodge my complaint because F has a stronghold in the FIRs area. Disappointed, dejected and penniless, I had to leave my house in my boxers only. 

Then one day, while I was having the leftovers of ‘Pakoras’ wrapped up in a newspaper, my attention was suddenly caught by some recent major scam that had rocked the entire nation. I would have ignored it completely for scams in India are more common than having babies but I was alerted when I saw the letter G associated with it. On reading the full article, I came to know that you had inflicted the worst on me out of your closet. I was now linked to the rear of one of the biggest scandals to have hit India. From Parle G to 2G. My life was shattered and I didn’t even know what hit me. My forefathers in heavens must have disowned me by now just like I have been outcast here on earth.

Now, when I can’t take anymore of all the insult and ignominy, I’m forced to write down to you stating my plight before I hang myself from the ceiling with a note sprayed on the wall reading "G for Given up”. I hope that you do something about this issue at the earliest and restore my lost pride and respect in the society because dude, without me, even you (God) can neither sign someone's birth or death warrant nor can give autographs to your worshippers.

My best regards

Girls to get 77.5% reservation in all medical and engineering colleges

Acting to the long standing complaints by boys of engineering and medical colleges, HRD minister Kapil Sibbal has announced that from next year onwards, 77.5% of seats would be reserved for girls in every engineering and medical institution. While rolling out the radical changes here at a press conference in Delhi, Mr. Sibbal said that the decision was taken because of the exponential drop in the percentage of girls seeking admissions in these colleges and the consequent rise in the number of suicide cases by boys whose last words have somewhat been on the lines of “Jeete ji main tumhara na ho saka shayad maut humein ek kar de” and “Aashiq tera ja raha hai yeh duniya chhorkar, bewafa tu jo chali gayi mujhse munh mod kar”. With himself being a wannabe poet, Mr. Sibbal couldn’t help plagiarizing a few of the lines and incorporate them into his upcoming autobiography “Main shaayar badnaam” which he said would be introduced in the curriculum of Ninth standard onwards from next year which would chronicle his journey from Harvard to HRD in a poetic manner. “I hope it inspires millions of today’s youth who see me as a role model and their icon”, Mr. Sibbal said with his trademark lopsided, broad smile. Although his wink while making this statement still remains a mystery to all.

In addition to this, every engineering and medical student would be given CDs of Shah Rukh Khan movies so that the guys can learn how to make any girl succumb to their charms by some really powerful romance packed lines. However, this action of the HRD has irked Mr. Salman Khan who is said to be the ace rival of Mr. Shah Rukh Khan. The former has gone on record by saying, “ladkiyaan Lux saabun se nahaane ya sarson kay kheton me gaane se nahi, gym mein paseena baha kar body banaane se pat ti hain.”

Taking a cue from Mr. Anna Hazare, the boys of engineering and medical colleges had earlier threatened to go on fast unto death until their demands were met with immediate effect. A representative of the student’s union said that they were fed up of having to undergo the trauma of seeing the pictures of their DU friends perpetually surrounded by “hot chicks” with “pouted lips and protruding hips” on Facebook. “.We are even more pained when we see pretty girls uploading pictures with their dogs. It makes us feel insecure and less significant despite being the baton holders of nation’s growth and development. Those are the moments we seriously wish that we also had furs and could do “wow wow” in their tongue. Sometimes we feel as if the pictures carry an implicit message saying “HAHA! NOW WHO’S HAVING THE LAST LAUGH, YOU NERDY BITCH.” Now we will no longer put up to the insult and embarrassment caused to us for being simply technically inclined. It is not our fault that while they were busy applying expensive shampoos to their hair, we were plucking off ours solving some mammoth algebraic equations” Another said.

But Mr. Hazare for whom hunger strike is almost like a profession and in a bid to eliminate any surfacing competition, has suggested a brilliant middle path for the libido ridden techies. Now the boys are all set to launch a nationwide ‘Poke unto death’ in which a girl would be poked on Facebook until the time she accepts to be a friend of the guy poking her. There have been instant reactions of shock, disbelief and disgust by many girls across the nation citing that it is their democratic right to decide who to befriend and who to reject. “This is outrageous and so undemocratic. I mean, we can’t be held at siege like this by some low-on-confidence-high-on-testosterone maniacs. It is not our fault that while we were shampooing our hair to get noticed, those fools were staring at their books with lust in their eyes and drool in their mouths for some stupid equations.” an infuriated girl said.

To this, the guys responded by yelling slogans like “I’m Anna” and “Bharat humaari maata hai, humein bhi romance karna aata hai” and said, “If Anna can do it so can we”.

Manmohan Singh to go on hunger strike from 16 August

 As the team Anna is rapidly soaring up in the popularity charts of all the leading newspapers for its crusade against corruption, Manmohan Singh has sent shock waves in the political circles by announcing that he would be sitting on an indefinite fast starting from the morning of 16 August.  Dr. Singh said that he was deeply hurt by being called ‘Silencer’ by people from all the sections of society and would be dragging Raju Hirani to court because his ‘idiot’ic movie had given people one more name to call him with. While no response has been received from Sonia Gandhi, Congress spokesman Manish Tiwari said that it’s all a “dramebaaji” to prove that he is as strong and respected in the party as Madamji. He also went on to add further that once Rahul baba was done with his ‘Padyatras’ and ‘Bhaashanbaaji’, Manmohan Singh would be very quickly and swiftly forgotten despite being the most educated Prime Minister ever. 


“Education earns no rewards, scandals do” said Mr. Suresh Kalmadi, the former OC of Commonwealth games, currently serving in Tihar jail with a mouthful of ‘Samosa’. “Look at me, I’m no rocket scientist like A.P.J. Abdul Kalam and yet I’ve got bigger house, greater wealth and more cars than him. Where is education required in politics? In fact, the less educated you are, the more chances you stand to get a ticket. Anyway, my best blessings are with Manmohan ji. After all, he also played a significant part in making me the next Hugh Hefner of India. And if he ever feels hungry or tired, he’s more than welcome to have a full course meal with me and the Jail superintendent. The gates of my cell are always open for him”  

The media advisors of PM were said to be in the middle of talks and negotiations with Amir khan to give the campaign a Bollywoodish boost but he has very politely refused because he doesn’t want to earn the wrath of Maratha Manhoos who had vandalized the theatres while the screening of ‘Rang De Basanti’ because of his candid statements on the issue of Narmada. Disappointed, they have finally zeroed down to Rakhi Sawant who says that that she would take this noble cause to another level by performing a sleazy item number to attract more audience and supporters and give a tough competition to Baba Ramdev who had managed to capture the imagination of many people by performing a running item number in a ‘Saree’.

On hearing the news, Pranab Mukhrejee, the unofficial troubleshooter of UPA immediately swung into action and was reported to be entering 7, Race Course Road with a wagon full of pizzas, pastas, macaronis and various other Italian dishes as a last bid attempt to save the face of the party. But this action of him backfired severely when Dr. Singh became even more agitated at the sight of them and threw them high up in the air. Aajtak and India TV nabbed the images of the spinning pizza and reported that alien ships or UFOs were circling above the PM’s residential compound. The situation could be resolved only when Manmohan Singh was served with ‘Sarso ka saag’ and ‘Makki ki roti’. Needless to say neither India TV nor Aajtak apologized for the UFO news for they still believed that they were indeed UFOs.

The PM has been flooded with calls from all over the world at the drop of this news. Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari has promised that he would even send Miss Hina Rabbani Khar along with the fresh delegation of specially trained terrorists, once again to India to woo the Indian PM and persuade him to change his decision. British PM David Cameron said that he would personally see that Alastair Cook is not selected for any of the upcoming series against India and has even offered Kohinoor diamond back to where it really belongs. Chinese President has also taken a step forward and assured that he would be calling back all the cheap medicines, toys and electronic items that are preventing the growth of Indian economy.

But despite all the efforts, the PM is said to be adamant on going to a fast because now he believes that in a country of deaf, one who remains silent is called Manmohan Singh.

Your eight steps guide to modern English

1.    Mah: At first, it sounds like the vehement bleating sound of a goat whose tail has just been plucked off. Then it reminds me of the hard and loud burp, fuelled by the large swig of soft drink, shooting out of stomach to blow all the smiles off our enemies’ faces. But on deeper introspection, it is an illegitimate and disfigured off spring of the traditional ‘My’ fathered by the SMS and messenger user generation to communicate with one another easily. However, the one thing that still baffles me is that despite being greater in word length, why is it preferred over its old fashioned mother?

2.    Kewl: The second one in the family and very innocently rhyming with mule. Gone are the days when on witnessing something really whacky, we used “How cool that is”. Instead things are now kewling off to something that is beyond my comprehension for it bears no resemblance whatsoever at all from its root word which might as well be thought to be included in the Latin lexicon for its increasing lack of usage in modern times. In fact they are as close to each other as Mike Tyson endorsing a fairness cream. Still, you must know it to be kewl.

3.    Cole: Ok, until recently, the only Cole I knew was Cheryl Cole for obvious reasons. I never had even an iota of inkling that due to her popularity amongst men, the parallel English societies were deciding to make her name immortal by very subtly replacing it for ‘Call’. I hope when they bring out the official Dictionary of their work, they have a bikini clad picture of Cheryl Cole alongside saying ‘Cole me’. If not anything, even the Chinese people will also buy it and make some unconscious contribution to the flagging economy.

4.    TQ: When I first came across this word, I was as surprised as any old user of English would be. It was like giving an IPhone to a person still spinning in the round dial of old age telephones. Still, when I recovered from the blow, I expected it to be somehow related to Intelligence Quotient (IQ). But it was not, at least not to that of mine. A very kind gentleman, getting a whiff of my predicament told me that it was being used for ‘Thank you’. So finally Shakespear could shove his brutal Thy, thine, thou and the many other words which make an embarrassing spitting sound whenever spoken up his nose. Touched by the gentleman’s warm gesture, I could not help but uttering, “TQ Sire”.

5.    Cum: Are you kidding me? Cum on to the next one.

6.    Congo: Imagine a man with his shirt on but nothing below the waist. I know the mere imagination sight is more than disgusting (Of course, had it been Jessica Alba we would have merrily wished this imagination to turn into reality). Same goes with this word. Often used for the expression of one’s good wishes on someone’s accomplishment, it is a semi naked version of ‘Congratulations’. I can’t help but draw an analogy between this poor word and Draupadi for both of them are the victims of being stripped of their clothing by the society for no apparent reason. Alas! There are no Krishnas in this age to savage it and moreover, the Sarees are so costly these days that even the Lord would have to lend money from China as it’s the only rich daddy left on Earth.    

7.    Ssup: It is a word thrown at the face of all those people who considered that making a sound while sipping your tea amounted to bad mannerism. According to my knowledge of this form, all the “Hey! How are you? How is it going?” have been compressed to the four letters abbreviation which looks no less than the name of some Government service examination. Now MTV tells me that it finds its utility more amongst the tilted cap wearing dudes with chains dangling all over from clothes twice or even thrice their actual size probably picked up in a jiffy from a store up on a clearance sale. Some desi grapevine doing the rounds in political circles is that it is a special code word that expands as ‘Sweet spirited Uttar Pradesh’ to be used as the party slogan of BSP in the upcoming state assembly elections. And all the people who publicize and popularize this word would be awarded with their larger than life statues in the middle of the road. Now which one of them is true, I have no idea.

8.    K: Such a sweet and simple word..and the most taken for granted as well. From the taunts of grumpy and sexually frustrated mother in laws to their daughter in laws (Kalmoohi, kulta etc) to the way of agreeing or saying ‘OK’. But this OK is a thing of past now. Its existence has been totally wiped out or better KO(Knocked out). Now there is either K or Okkkk. It’s rather funny that the latter version reminds me of the King of farts..err I mean hearts who redefined and revolutionized this word while saying(at last) “Kkkkkiran”. Anyway, I’m somewhat uncomfortable in using this form. Or in other words, I’m not K with it. So I’ll just stick to the basics. And yes, I do hope that all the SRK fans are okkkk with me for taking a harmless dig at him.