A letter to God by the letter 'G'

Hello God. How are you? Hope this letter finds you in the best of spirits, wealth and health. And I also hope that you are having a good time sitting up on a pink smoky porch with your Lady and enjoying all the latest happenings on earth with a cup of coffee (Or may be beer, if your wife is cool with it) in your hand.

I’m bothering you with your proceedings because I’m caught up in the middle of a terrible situation out of which I can’t navigate my way. First of all, I must thank you for all the good things that you’ve bestowed upon me. The people of the Eastern hemisphere, especially India, were extra kind to me in extending their warm gesture and treating my existence with some dignity. I was suffixed after the name of every person who was called out with respect like Gupta G, Sharma G, Besharma G, Chadda G, Chaddi G so on and so forth. I was blessed to become the opening letter of the surname of one of the most influential figures of India born till date, Gandhi G. Although I and Miss. B have always been at loggerheads for Gandhi G was also known as ‘Baapu’, but still, I’m the one he was born with. I was as inseparable from him as his dhoti was. But still, B never leaves any chance to discredit me from his name. (B)itch. Anyway, I never knew that one day this man would be kissed by almost the entire population of India in the pages of currency notes for people here in India have a strange habit of kissing and licking their money secretly(especially the policemen and parliamentarians) as if they are trying to arouse it. So much so that the insatiable and neglected wives are now resorting to wearing Gandhi G’s mask so that their husbands take notice of them .Then came my biggest moment of pride. Parle group launched a brand of cheap but yummy biscuits under the name of Parle G to give a sigh of relief to sulking mothers who were facing a tough time in gulping a glass of milk down their kids’ throats and I shot to fame almost instantly and became a celebrity overnight, just like Rahul Mahajan. "G bole toh Genius". My popularity and reputation were reaching sky high and the rest of the alphabets were burning in the flames of jealousy. What losers!

But then, for some unexplained reasons, my career started heading towards a steep descent. First came the grading system in which ‘A’ stood for maximum number of marks and ‘F’ stood for fail. Despite my previous work experience, none of the schools accepted me and all the letters still make wild fun of me by saying “G for Get lost or Go home”. I couldn’t believe my luck. Even F who has a reputation of being the flag bearer of one of the most widely used cusses in the world, makes faces on seeing me. Is this really happening? Just when I thought that the worst was over for me, I was hit by another severe blow when the women’s innerwear makers brought out something called as ‘G string’. Are you kidding me? Don’t you know where you’re throwing me? I mean, I could accept being pushed out by the Schools out of their grading scheme but hanging onto someone’s inner pants is worse than being licked by men! I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t get out of house for two entire months. My neighbor F for being the Fool he is, thought that I had sailed off to some distant land and had even called up his close friends U, C and K to have a suspicious party at my house. When I went to the cops for filing an FIR, they told me that they couldn’t lodge my complaint because F has a stronghold in the FIRs area. Disappointed, dejected and penniless, I had to leave my house in my boxers only. 

Then one day, while I was having the leftovers of ‘Pakoras’ wrapped up in a newspaper, my attention was suddenly caught by some recent major scam that had rocked the entire nation. I would have ignored it completely for scams in India are more common than having babies but I was alerted when I saw the letter G associated with it. On reading the full article, I came to know that you had inflicted the worst on me out of your closet. I was now linked to the rear of one of the biggest scandals to have hit India. From Parle G to 2G. My life was shattered and I didn’t even know what hit me. My forefathers in heavens must have disowned me by now just like I have been outcast here on earth.

Now, when I can’t take anymore of all the insult and ignominy, I’m forced to write down to you stating my plight before I hang myself from the ceiling with a note sprayed on the wall reading "G for Given up”. I hope that you do something about this issue at the earliest and restore my lost pride and respect in the society because dude, without me, even you (God) can neither sign someone's birth or death warrant nor can give autographs to your worshippers.

My best regards